Cult Movie Culture and Mad Science!


Howdy, Gang! Welcome to the online home of Horror Hosts and Creature Features Magazine!

Are you obsessed with macabre monsters, machete maidens, and morbid madmen? This is the place for you!  It’s a Horror Geek Lifestyle and we know many people are living it. We are a strange breed, but one of the most tightly knit communities in fandom! ‘Stay Tuned‘ for magazine updates, original art, and articles!



web res 11x17 Marilynweb res Killer in Drag 11x17Attention Horror Host Lovers and Creature Feature fans…Do you need something weird for your castle walls or treasury? Please visit Dixie Dellamorto Lobo’s recently reactivated Etsy shop. There you will find orginal art and official CINEMA INSOMNIA WITH MR. LOBO goodies.
MR. LOBO 8x10s

Just like in the CINEMA INSOMNIA shop, There are Autographed 8x10s featuring Mr. Lobo of the Nationally syndicated late night Horror Host Program, Cinema Insomnia. These 8×10’s are personally signed by Mr. Lobo himself and are made out to you! When buying this listing, please message us to let us know who to have Mr. Lobo make it out to! A must have for a Cinema Insomnia Fan!


And if you are a fan you should Join the Sleepless Knights of Insomnia!


Lifetime Membership includes: PLASTIC Decoder Member Card, Certificate of Membership, 2.25 in “Cinema Insomnia Fan Club” Pin-back Button Badge, Signed Large 8X10, 4X6 Black and White Photo of Mr. Lobo,.AND other random goodies not mentioned above.

Best of all you will be an official CINSOMNIAC…or a SLEEPLESS KNIGHT OF INSOMNIA!

Be sure to watch CINEMA INSOMNIA on our new internet based channel OSI 74 launching in October.


This poster designed by Mr. L0B0 is the first of a series of fundraisers for the channel. It features “THE MOST ACTION PACKED TV HORROR HOST SHOW IN THE WORLD !!”…Not CINEMA INSOMNIA, but MONSTER MADHOUSE!

web res MonsterMadhouse OSI11x17Poster2

This 11×17 inch high quality poster print includes a flexible plastic sleeve for protection. This image is a print version of the MONSTER MADHOUSE OSI 74 promo piece. The host of MONSTER MADHOUSE, KARLOS BORLOFF is generously donating 100% of the profits into data storage and delivery costs for the channel. The print is suitable for framing and would be at home hanging on the wall in your Game Room, Den, or in the dungeon! This print is signed and dated by the artist upon request. Be the first Monster Kid in the Madhouse to own it! Thanks for supporting OSI 74 and MONSTER MADHOUSE!

Something for you vampires…Dixie Dellamorto’s internet famous and often bootleged design…


“Drink this much Human Blood Every Day! — Drink a full big glass of Human Blood every single day to get plenty of B Negative — one thing your undead body doesn’t store up. Stay young the Vampire way! “

web res Stay Young 11x17

11×17 inch high quality poster print which includes a flexible plastic sleeve for protection. This image is an original acrylic painting by Dixie Dellamorto which has been modified to mimic a vintage advertising art. The print is suitable for framing and would be at home hanging on the wall in your Game Room, Kitchen, or the wall of the Blood bank! This print is signed and dated by the artists. Be the first Crazy in your city to own it!

Every misunderstood Movie has it’s day and you may enjoy this…


The Futuristic year is 1997.
New York City is a Maximum Security Prison. A Master Criminal’s Mission:
Rescue the Captive U.S. President

web res Escape from New York Poster 11x17

11×17 inch high quality poster print which includes a flexible plastic sleeve for protection. This image is an original digital illustration by Dixie Dellamorto. The print is suitable for framing and would be at home hanging on the wall in your Game Room, Den, or the War Room of the Duke of New York! This print is signed and dated by the artist. Be the first Crazy in your city to own it!



If you’re willing–Come by and pick up something for your weirder self…

web res Leota 11x17

You could do worse…much worse. web res 11x17 jailhouse rot


Put on your 3-D Glasses! Creature Features Bob Wilkins Interviews Christopher Lee in the Great Beyond


SIR CHRISTOPHER LEE arrived in the kingdom of infinity looking well. He is obviously enjoying his vacation after a lifetime of intense work entertaining us fans of Fantastika in classic Hammer Horror films like THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN(1957), HORROR OF DRACULA(1958),  and THE MUMMY(1959) and Summer block-busters from the STAR WARS and LORD OF THE RINGS film franchises. He even played WILLY WONKA‘s father in the TIM BURTON film, CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY(2005). And Misunderstood Movie fans will remember his roles in POLICE ACADEMY 7: MISSION TO MOSCOW(1994) and the big budget comedy bomb 1941(1979).
Whitout a doubt, LEE is best loved as DRACULA, as he played the dark vampire prince in a number of sequels up into the early 1970s. However, he played many other iconic characters, co-starring in THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES(1959), and made numerous “non-PC” appearances as FU MANCHU before that was a thing. And who could forget THE PRIVATE LIFE OF SHERLOCK HOMES(1970), THE THREE MUSKETEERS(1973), and Bond film MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN(1974). Lee appeared on the San Francisco Bay Area TV show CREATURE FEATURES to promote that film and was first interviewed by the host of that show, MR. LOBO’s mentor, BOB WILKINS.

“SIR” BOB and SIR CHRISTOPHER  met again today on a cloud of star-stuff that quickly formed itself into a facsimile of a TV Studio.

Bob puffed his cigar and told him how much he would be missed down on earth by us Creature Feature fans and movie fans in general. Mr. Lee was tickled when Bob informed him that CINEMA INSOMNIA is celebrating Mummy month and that we have been sharing many images of him as KHARIS THE MUMMY all over the internet. MR. LOBO will even be presenting HORROR HOTEL AKA CITY OF THE DEAD as part of the new CINEMA INSOMNIA season coming this fall on OSI 74. Bob presented Lee with an original tribute Count Dracula drawing by CI fan and artist DAVID HARDY. He smiled at all the praise and gracefully shook his head.  countLee

He then reminded Bob that he would never play DRACULA again.  But of course, he doesn’t have to…DRACULA IS FOREVER. CREATURE FEATURES ARE FOREVER.  Thank you, SIR CHRISTOPHER LEE for all your fine work. We miss you already! We still miss you, too, Bob!


3-D Pictures by Scott Moon!

Who is this Host?

argoman3While watching a bootleg DVD of Argoman Mr. Lobo and Dixie started noticing these weird subliminal blips… Finally Mr. Lobo was able to stop it just in time to see this guy in a Video Store:

IMG_20150327_004610_719[1]IMG_20150327_012157_547[1]They saw him several times, he cut in something like 12 times. Finally a bug came up for a split second which said “WNBC-TV New York 4″. Any New Yorkers know who this guy is? Looks like it’s from the late 80’s or early 90’s. Here he is looking “cool”:


Cosmic Fred

Better Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

Cosmic (Fred Frederick) Charlie here, continuing to participate in the Cinema Insomnia ‘March of the Dolls” doll themed month of march! Today’s film, Dolls! Directed by Stuart dollsGordon, who you should already know from his amazing work in the horror genre, like  Re-Animator, which came out the same year that this movie was made, even though this movie didn’t come out ‘til two years later. Also involved was producer Charles Band, who would go on to helm Full Moon Entertainment, and producer Brian Yuzna, who you should also already know from Re-Animator, unless you’re some sort of not-nerd, in which case, good for you, not wasting your life away on silly bits of information about movies that no one likes. Now, shut your mouth and keep reading! One of us! One of us! Mwwahahahahaha!!!!


Never too old to play with dolls.

Dolls is the story of when a little girl has stupid parents and they happen to get stranded near an old house that houses old people. One of those old people you might recognize as Guy Rolfe, who later found fame in the third installment of the Puppet Master series as the complicated creator of the puppets, and made people want to see more, and why we’re now up to number ten in their sequels. He appears in Dolls as an ironically similar character, controlling a bunch of murderous dolls, which, I hope that’s not a spoiler for you, cause if you’re watching a horror movie called Dolls, you should probably have figured out by now that this ain’t about Barbie™. So, getting back to Dolls, for about a second, because it reminds me a bit of Nothing But Trouble, the Dan Akroyd movie with Chevy Chase and Demi Moore that you either know and love, or don’t know and probably wouldn’t understand. Point being, if you have car trouble in the middle of nowhere, you might as well jump off a cliff, because unless you’re a pure of heart child, and not a scummy adult/lawyer person, you’re probably not going to find anyone who’s going to help you, and they’re either gonna strip you into bones, or turn you into murderous dolls. Maybe

Now you see 'em...

Now you see ‘em… you also see them, as dolls.

…now you also see ‘em, as dolls.

So besides the little girl’s stupid parents, there’s also a nice fat guy, Ralph (he’s Officer Duffy in Robocop2!) who is giving two punk girls a ride, who both turn out to not be so nice, because even alternative thinking and interesting looking people can be judgemental MV5BMjE2NDU2ODk2Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMjI5NjYzNA@@._V1_SX640_SY720_dicks sometimes. Needless to say, because it’s a horror movie, things don’t go well for the nefarious females, and one of those things I said in the last sentence of that last paragraph happens to them, but I’ll let you figure that out. So the fat guy helps the little girl search for the missing girls (or does she help him?) … (yes. yes she does) and she ends up having to convince the murderous dolls to spare his life. Unfortunately, the dolls have already killed some other people, and certain other people think that other people killed those other people, so other people want revenge on other people, and Judy is stuck in the middle. What? Judy! The little girl! Did I not mention her name was Judy? Well it is. SPOILER!



It’s a great little horror movie that has the Stephen King feel to it where the children are the saviors of our tormented human souls, pretty much literally in this case. It somehow ends happily, with everything tied up in a neat little package so the little girl can go on and dolls-1live a happy and perfect life without even having to know that her dad and step-mother’s souls are trapped in dolls that murder and enslave other bad parents for not raising their children right. What a paradise that must be. Or, some sort of horrifying movie. A ‘horror’ movie, if you will.

I feel like I should start actually drawing these hypothetical pinball machines I keep dreaming up. It’s always just taking an already existing machine and imagining the movie’s theme plastered on it and thus creating a kind of storyline following gameplay rather than all this bumping and flipping pointlessly nonsense. I always try to get a machine from around the same era, and in this case, since the movie was made in 85 (though not released til 87) I’m going with the 1986 machine ‘Hollywood Heat’, which, with its horrendous Miami Vice rip off artwork, should be obvious why I’d prefer some murderous dolls painted all over it. Also, in some bizarre way, I feel like the gameplay would be somehow fitting to the storyline. I dunno, take a look and decide for yourselves.

Field whole

Puppet Master

Cosmic Fred

Better Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

Another Fred ‘Cosmic Charlie’ Frederick original here. Now to conquer the first

This is NOT child's play.

This is NOT child’s play.

installment in what can be considered one of the all time greatest collections of hits and misses of sequels in film history, Puppet Master. Not as easy to calculate as the Paramount Star Trek movies (odds=bad, evens=good), but still a debatable line of good and bad that separates fans and haters alike. Though the third movie is widely considered to be the best of the now ten parts series, the first two aren’t without their merits. I’ll be focusing on the first film here, but don’t go far, cause I’ll be sure to hit up the other installments soon enough, despite their varying horridity and disregarding of different story elements .

We open with William Hickey as Andre Toulan in 1939, who becomes the antagonist and then protagonist of later films, as well as being played by a different actor. Hickey you will recognize from many films, but to me, he’s the grandfather from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation as well as the drunk in the bar in Mel Brook’s The Producers from 1968. We don’t see much of William, as he never appears after the opening scene. Same with a puppet credited as Shredder Khan, who doesn’t appear in the rest of the film, or ever again in any Mystery_puppetother films! I bring that up because I saw these movies out of order, and this film is actually the last one I got my hands on, so part of me was flabbergasted by this introductory puppet who I’d never seen before! I seriously want a new Puppet Master movie “The Legend Of Shredder Khan” because of how intriguing this lack of development is to me. The other puppet we meet to start off with is Blade, who is pretty much the star of the whole series, and whose origin is properly explained in the third film. Watch for the bullets in his eyes that pop out on occasion, as I believe the mechanism that did that broke after this film and was thus never used again in the sequels.Puppet-Master

So we flash forward 50 years to 1989, where a bunch of psychics have been summoned to this mysterious hotel by a former colleague who they all assume has discovered Toulan’s secret of bringing inanimate objects to life, as well as resurrecting the dead. Despite having, or perhaps because of, terrifying dreams and premonitions about horrid goings ons at the hotel, they all show up only to find out their friend has bit the big one, but not before taking a wife, who everyone is a little skeptical of. So we see a bunch more crazy psychic stuff that puts the film in a fantasy realm and properly allows us to disconnect it from our mostly scientifically sound world. puppetmaster-psychics-1989

Not wanting to give the rest of the plot away, I wanna tell you about a funny thing that happened with horror movies at some point in the mid eighties and continuing heavily into the nineties. The inclination to find the horrifying killers of the film, such as Freddy or Jason, to be enjoyable and almost cute, and instead make the victim characters into unlikeable jerks so we’re happy when we see our 8813037_origvillain/hero(s) do them in. Such is the case in the puppet master movies, with what can be very creepy dolls, also being able to steal the scene and be far more interesting and empathy invoking characters. It’s not just them being cool looking dolls, but as puppets, they are slaves to a master, and thus can have the blame taken away from their actions. As well as the fact that they’re the only recurring characters throughout the series and allow us to follow their evolution, across the fractured timeline of the canonically-ignorant series.

So while the film operates on its own without a need of the puppets, their appearance, and obeying their master, and killing, provide the meat of the film and an awesome ending to what could have been a boring movie about psychics. You get the feeling that somebody merged two scripts, but it’s not distracting orpuppet-master-1 hindering to the enjoyment of what you already know is a B-level film. It does make you wonder why Toulan wouldn’t have used his resurrection on himself. Well… maybe you’ll get the answer to that in another review, or maybe you should go rent/buy all ten movies and binge watch them so you can solve that mystery for yourself. Oh, and as for the kind of pinball machine this movie, combined with all the others, would make? Quite possibly the greatest horror themed pinball machine of all time. I can’t even begin to theorize all the features such a machine would posses. Dear god, you’d need a feature for every puppet, and probably more than could fit on a machine but still satisfy my need to include all the elements of the series. Oh man, I’m gonna have to think about this one, I’ll try not to drool too much.

Puppets can't drool

Puppets can’t drool


Cosmic Fred

Better Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

Freddy Von Frederick here (Cosmic Charlie incarnate) with a review of one of the biggest little movies of all time, Dollman. A Sci-Fi/Horror/Action flick from the people at Full Moon Entertainment, another film where size doesn’t matter when it comes to kicking ass. Instead of puppets or toys being our little terrors, we get a cop with an attitude who’s from another planet, Brick dollman_posterBardo (Tim Thomerson). Nothing very alien about this alien, besides his awesome laser gun, and the fact that he’s 13 inches tall, but other than that, he’s no different than a Tom Atkins or Dirty Harry type cop who’s ready to kick butts and and chew bubble gum, but who’s all out of bubblegum.


Saving fat ladies and their fat sons. Like a boss.

We start off on the little guy’s home planet and get to see some bad ass Demolition Man style handling of a hostage situation, as well as some hilarious dialogue about laundry and fat ladies. After we get the tone set from that small scene, we’re introduced to the main villain of the film, Sprug, but more on him later. We then take a spaceship flight through some sort of vortex and to a pale blue dot we call Earth. The situation enlarges as our hero encounters some Terran punks who are about 10 times his size, but luckily, lasers still do damage even if they’re from an inch long gun. From that point the movie kinda gets confused as to what it is.


We’re introduced to a hispanic woman, Debi, trying to make her neighborhood in the Bronx safe again by ridding it of the drug dealing gangs while she’s also raising a little boy. It’s a great emotional story that hooks you in, but I dunno if I really wanted this level of realism and heartbreaking hardship from a movie about a laser shooting doll sized cop. Don’t get me wrong, our female lead does a great acting job, and her interaction with our titular character as well as her son’s interest in this action figure sized man is interesting and entertaining, but I feel like they do too good of a job bringing you into a reality, that it feels awkward to accept the rest of the story.


Mona Lisa is jealous of that smile

Can’t forget to mention the practically immaculate Jackie Early Haley (it’s not his fault he wasn’t Robert Englund, so I’ll let the Nightmare On Elm Street remake slide) as Braxton Red. Jackie shines in such movies as The Bad News Bears and Watchmen and shows the same kind of completely convincing acting for a punk ass kid that we’ve come to love about him. I can’t say enough about how pathetic and unconvincing almost every street level punk in cheap horror films tend to be, and how that annoys me so immensely, but Jackie nails it. He’s scary enough that you wouldn’t want to meet him in an alley, but Bart Simpsony enough to make you kinda wanna join his gang. He runs the show in his part of town, but keeps Debi safe out of some misplaced affection. It’s his out-of-line gang members that Bardo shoots when he first lands and encounters them about to set Debi on fire, despite Braxton’s wishes.

Things are looking up for Dollman

Things are looking up for Dollman


Not many mirrors on his planet.

So back to Sprug, a hideous looking head on a messed up hover car, who Braxton discovers in his little ship and befriends after being offered a special ubber-bomb of alien design, which, is kinda weird, but, necessary for the plot, so we just go with it. Braxton and his men go after this guy they’ve come to refer to as Dollman, and get the bad end of a big stick, or gun. Does that analogy work? I don’t care, cause I’m tired and it’s 2:30 pm and I have no excuse for the yawning that’s going on with me right now. So where was I? Oh yeah, Braxton(Jackie) makes it back to his place, but in bad shape, until he cuts a deal with Sprug, who heals him, and then tries to claim mastery over Braxton, but when you’re only inches tall, and only a head, I wouldn’t suggest making demands of New York gang members, ‘cause it’s not gonna go well. So more stuff happens and things blow up and believe it or not, the good guys win. SPOILER!

Does size count?

Does size count?

All in all, a very fun film that should be required viewing for anyone trying to make a cheap sci-fi/horror adventure, or anyone who loves dolls. Like I said before, I’m not so sure about the whole harrowing heroine in the Bronx story, even though it’s done perfectly, I just didn’t feel like it was what I signed up for when I bought a movie called Dollman. It’s also not a theme you would want in a pinball machine. Or I dunno, maybe a “The Bronx” pinball machine with Multiball gangbanging and Orbit Shots to back alley murders with Pop Bumper rumbles and Trapdoor street rapes. Orrr not.

The Town That Dreaded Sundown

Cosmic Fred

Better Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

Gooooooood morning Vietnam, and the rest of the world. Freddy Fred Frederick here, with a review of the proto-slasher classic known as The Town That Dreaded Sundown. The 1976 one, not the 2014 remake, which should just go without the-town-that-dreaded-sundown-postersaying, but I said it anyways. The film is one of those “based on a true story” deals, where the names of people and places were changed to protect the innocent. The events it’s based off took place in texas in the 40s, by a murderer known as ‘the Phantom Killer’, but if you didn’t know that, you might assume that the movie is based on the Zodiac killer who’s spree ended only a few years before the creation of this movie and is very similar in it’s events and and the killer’s executions of his executions.

It’s not a gore filled frightfest like you get from movies like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, which came out two years prior, but instead seems more like an episode of Law & Order with a very serious narration that also adds a clinical feel to the events and makes them easier to deal with as it comes across more like cold and hard facts rather than experiencing the emotional turmoil of the victims. Not that it isn’t without its terrifying parts, but if it weren’t based on a true story, you’d probably think the writers were lazier than people who use remotes for their air conditioners. It’s full of the cliché about teenagers at make out point getting their comeuppance from a sexually frustrated man in a stupid mask, but with a whole lot less flair than we’re used to seeing from this killer’s 80’s era successors.

Teenagers? Yeah right!

Risking death to get to third base, which in the 40s meant looking at a girl’s ankle.

Instead of following a group of stupid kids around and betting on who will be next, and what will be left of them, this movie is about the whole town and how it reacts to the fear of a masked killer on the loose. Gun sales go through the roof, which, it being Texas, is either surprising that these people aren’t already armed to the teeth, or not surprising because buying a new gun is like getting a fresh loaf of bread to these people. Not that this deters the killer, who’s rampage continues because teenagers just can’t stop making out in cars in secluded locations. See parents, this is what happens when you don’t let your daughter close her door when she has boys over. So kids, next time your parents tell you they don’t want you having a baby, just ask them if they’d rather you be brutally murdered by a man wearing a pillow case on his head. It’s one or the other folks. Or both.

TTDS_04033.NEFAs it turns out though, not just good people can buy guns, and windows can be seen through from both sides, and the side that’s well lit is probably easier to observe and thus aim a gun at. Also, if someone asks you if they heard something outside, you might want to start making peace with your god, cause, you know. So after actions that I just alluded to take place, the whole town decides to board up their windows, because if there’s anything psychotic killers can’t stand, it’s wood. Also, why is it that anytime someone starts assaulting and murdering horny teenagers while wearing a mask, people always assume it’s a white male? That’s discrimination people, and I thought we were better than this. Why couldn’t it be a chinese toddler, or how about a purple octogenarian? Huh? HUH? Tell me that America! Or should I say, CANADA! No wait, I am in America. Ok, nevermind, sorry about that.

Make out point isn't just for teenagers.

Make out point isn’t just for teenagers.

The film closes with the killer never being caught, and leaving us all wondering if he’s still out there now, even though he has most certainly died from old age at this point, unless killing all those young kids gives him special powers of immortality. Hrmmm, makes you think doesn’t it? Or maybe you’ve already moved on to thinking about what kind of pinball machine this movie would make? Well, since it’s from 1976, it would have to be one of the more dull machines, like Jive Time, that’s just a bunch of stationary crap that doesn’t do anything special other than give you a few buzzes and bings, much like the movie itself. But perhaps you like your leisurely pursuits to be more straightforward and without all the bells and whistles, in which case, you go have fun eating some rice cakes and watching C-SPAN, Mister Borey McBorington the third.

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

Cosmic Fred

Better Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

Fred (Cosmic Charlie) here again but with a special review for a movie that I have chosen in order to honor one of the greatest humans to walk this earth, Mr. Leonard Nemoy. Of all the actors I have watched in film and television, he was the most, influential to nerds, like myself.

He has been, and always shall be, our friend.

He has been, and always shall be, our friend

invasion-of-the-body-snatchers-1So, today’s film Invasion Of The Body Snatchers is probably the only remake you will see me review (besides John Carpenter’s The Thing) and could actually be considered a sequel to the original, technically, what with Kevin McCarthy from the first film still running through the streets in order to warn the masses. It also features Mr. Spock as a psychiatrist who annoys his fellow humans with logical thinking and rational explanations, but while showing some actual human emotions. It’s kinda weird seeing Leonard get mad or act frustrated or even smile, like seeing your elementary school teacher shopping at the grocery store. Also featured are Donald (Animal House) Sutherland, Jeff (The Fly) Goldblum, Veronica (The Birds) Cartwright, as well as Brooke (The Dead Zone) Adams who just reminds me of Jessica Harper from Suspira so much that it bothered me to the point of writing about it right now. grrrrrrrr.

ok, so her forehead isn't THAT big

Ok, so her forehead isn’t THAT big

We start the film with a very cool alien spore sequence that succeeds in convincing you that this is reality and not some schlocky 50s low budget horror deal. Much like Star Wars did, this film uses new and better special effects technology to convey a believable outer space that we can feel has it’s foot in reality somehow, even though their subject matter is the same as the sci-fi B-movies of the past. We also get the acting presence of Robert Duvall in a very brief cameo as a priest on swing who is the first pod person, making sure a bunch of children play with all the nice new plants in the playground. So our female lead played by Brooke Adams comes across one of these new plants and takes a bud from one to show to her dentist husband who just reminds me of Peter Dinklidge so much that it bothered me to the point of writing about it right now.

First it was birds, now this woman has to deal with aliens for the rest of her career.

First it was birds, now this woman has to deal with aliens for the rest of her career

Now if you’re unfamiliar with the very famous and many times spoofed premise of the film and you don’t want it ruined for you, then cover your ears now! It’s the tale of these alien spores that have melded with plants, and these plants make it their job to replicate and replace humans all over the world with emotionless beings. They attempt to do this covertly, but a few people notice that their spouses are acting more like vulcans than human. That’s what happens with the woman who looks like the woman from Suspiria and her Peter Dinklage looking hubby. She tells Donald (father of Jack Bauer) Sutherland’s character about it but he doesn’t pay much attention to it, after all, women are crazy, amirite? uuggghhh. So then we see another woman complaining about her husband’s lack of emotion to a man who probably doesn’t understand that to be a problem, Mr. Leonard Nemoy, playing a famous psychiatrist who enjoys telling women that they’re just being stupid and to just trust their husbands. Now, it’s somewhat unclear, or at least it is to me, when exactly Mr. Spock becomes a pod or if he’s a pod from the first time we see him. He seems to show a good amount of emotion, but that might be a skewed judgement on my part since seeing him show any tick of emotion is more than I’m used to.

"ménage a spock?"

“Ménage a Spock?”

We move on to Jeff (Independence Day) Goldblum and his girlfriend Veronica (AlienThe X-files) Cartwright discovering a pod person who was trying to clone Jeff, and they develop their theories about aliens and metal spaceships or lack thereof that seem to allude to their future alien encounters by ironically dismissing the very notions of such types of alien life existing. Spock continues to also ironically dismiss the idea of emotionless aliens and we get to see him make a fool of Donald (don’t call me hawkeye) Sutherland as the few remaining humans realize the breadth of their situation and start running. Lots of running. Scared and terrified and trying to get away while also trying to seem emotionless kind of running. Then there’s a weird dog with a man face that will both creep you out and make you laugh out loud (LOLing as the kids call it) as well as Donald trying to destroy the pod headquarters in one of the stupidest looking scenes in a horror movie involving an axe where his character would have been better off with a pair of scissors.

Some people can't take criticism

Some people can’t take criticism

All in all, we get the fear and suspense we wanted, but the film lacks any fun. With a movie full of actors I love, I wanted more from it. And the end just wears you down so much that not even a pair of naked boobs can bring you outta the funk. I don’t even wanna think about the kind of pinball machine this movie would make, but it would probably be something like Xenon, only without the cool art or the awesome moaning sounds when you hit a pop bumper, and instead just Donald Sutherland’s hideous scream. The boring and repetitive game play would be fitting for this painful to watch ‘til the end film. It did have great art direction though, but hey, so did Waterworld, sooooooo..

Dead Alive

Cosmic Fred

DeadAlive posterBetter Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

Hey folks, Fred (Cosmic Charlie) Frederick here, with a review of one of the all time greats, Dead Alive, or Brain Dead if you aren’t in the United States. From the man who brought you the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Peter Jackson, comes a movie from before he made those movies, that makes Evil Dead II jealous for how much crazy they packed into this thing. Dead Alive, as I will refer to it for the rest of this review, is what happens, apparently, when a New Zealander decides he wants to make the funniest and goriest film that anyone’s ever even tried to make, in New Zealand, and ends up with one of the greatest horror-comedy blends of all time, that lets Mr. Jackson (the Peter one) stand right next to Sam Raimi in horror-comedy legendary status, and makes you wonder how the hell these guys ended up making two of the most profitable trilogies of the last 20 years, but then that makes you think about Star Wars Episodes 1 through 3, and then… NO, DON’T STAB YOUR EYES OUT! IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!!

GettinBrain Dead Posterg back to the movie. It might not be the ideal date movie for your blind date with the boss’s spawn, but if that is your choice of cinema for your incredibly awkward evening, and this possible significant other stays ‘til the end, then you may have met your soulmate, and I would suggest chaining them to the floor, next to the couch preferably, since they’ll need a place to sleep, and you only have a twin bed, plus you don’t have money for a new bed, so the couch for them, it’s not like they’ll mind, I mean hell, they just sat through Dead Alive with you! All kidding aside, I really do think it’s a great date movie. Really. Besides all the gallons of blood and tons of gore, what you have is a tale of awkward love and restrained desires that captures the romantic side of any conscious human’s heart.

11020275_10153059980934647_43434203_nIt’s the timeless tale of a momma’s boy who falls in love with the gypsy girl at his local grocer, probably because it’s the only place his mother lets him go to when she even lets him leave the house. The gypsy grocer girl likes him back, and is a good example of a woman who knows what she wants and is willing to deliver groceries to a stranger’s door in order to get it. So our adorable couple end up going on a date, but then nosy mom gets attacked by a weird rat monkey thing that would make Ray Harryhausen go “ewwww.” The rat monkey attack leads to zombification, obviously, and then one zombie leads to more, as is the zombie way, and from there on, zombie-filled hilarity ensues. The rest of the movie is a bunch of insane twists and turns and a Three’s Company meets Weekend At Bernies style craziness that combines laughter with wincing, which I call lincing. I don’t wanna give too much of the insanity away, but, I will say that if this dude meets Ash from Evil Dead II, they would have an epic chainsaw vs. lawnmower match and I don’t know who would win. I should also mention that this film holds the record for most fake blood ever used in a film, though I think Kill Bill is a close second.

The one problem this movie suffers from is something that I tgirlhink every Peter Jackson film suffers from (besides on set foot odor) and that’s length. By the end, the glorious and uproarious end, you’re probably gonna feel so drained and grossed out that the climactic finale will be a welcome rest from the insanity, while also cranking it up a notch (BAM!) to where you’re desensitized and enjoying the nonsense enough to get your second wind and be able to go out for pizza after viewing, rather than spending the rest of you night over your porcelain throne, crying to god “I just wanted to see another movie by the Lord Of The Rings guy! Whyyy!?!?”

Probably more upset about her dress being ruined.

Hey, true story, I was eating chips and salsa while watching this film, and the part where the son pulls his crush’s dog out of his zombie mother’s mouth literally made me dry heave and have to stop the film so I could recover. Another true story, I wanted to see this film for the longest time based on my local video store having the box with the tagline on it “the goriest film ever made.” Years of looking at the image of a man’s rib cage being ripped out of his chest must have warped my fragile little brain somehow, when in fact, if I had just watched the movie, I probably wouldn’t have liked it, what with the weird comedy elements and me being a child with no comprehension of such nuances in the horror-comedy cinematic universe.


As far as pinball goes, I would love to get my hands on a Champion Pub pinball machine, part of the 90s pinballs with themes that absolutely no one was asking for (see Fish Tales and Junkyard as other examples) and turn that into a Dead Alive themed machine, with the Pub fighter guy remodeled into the giant zombie mother from the end of the film (spoilers, whoops). And the punching bag at the top right could be the evil baby, which sounds horrible, saying the baby could be a punching bag, unless you’ve seen the movie, which, by now, you should have already ordered on the internet, because seriously, if you haven’t seen it, you are not a full human yet. YET! So make it so, and hey, if you know anyone with a pinball machine that they want to give to me so I can deface it to suit a better theme, CALL ME!



Prince of Darkness

Cosmic Fred


Better Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

John Carpenter is a man whose name could be a synonym for “infallible in the 80s.” There is not a single misstep in this man’s catalog of films, as long as you’re wearing your blinders that don’t allow you to look outside of the 80s. You’re allowed to peek into his late 70s work, but for the love of Dog (I love dogs), tread carefully through his 90s work, lest ye have a true thirst for horror and can stand levels of lame acting and Marilyn Mansony type over-the-top-ness that ran rampant throughout the 90s. But from The Fog to They Live the guy pumped out some of the greatest examples of 80s horror you can find from simply one director. Today, I wanna take a look at probably his least popular film of this period, Prince Of Darkness.

Speaking of Marilyn Manson, if you get a hold of his cover of Down In The Park, you can hear it start with a clip from this film. Also relating to heavy metal men in make up, the great Alice Cooper has a little bit in this film as a homeless man who gets to stab only alicesomebody using one of the props from his stage show (he liked to die on stage a lot, it was cool, still is). But what is this film outside of its connection to rock n roll superstars? It’s the most subtle film in the John Carpenter collection.

Maybe going into this film, you had expectations about it, and maybe it won’t live up to those. You knew Carpenter for his crazy and terrifying adventures through the majesty of his imagination, and now, you are faced with a bleak, boring, uninteresting environment. Now, you can look at it as a budget-saving technique, or you can say that less is more, and that the film is rooted in a reality closer to our own than films like Escape From New York or Big Trouble In Little China are. It serves a purpose, as this film gazes into the undiscovered, the unanswerable, but the almost undeniable otherworldly realms that exist beyond our own, and weaves its own explanation of the wheres and whys and hows.

We get the old bald white guy from the Halloween movies, and the old Chinese guy from Big Trouble In Little China, along with the younger Chinese guy from that film, and then a bunch of actors you will never see anywhere else, and you probably won’t want to. orbyThey find a weird looking barber shop pole that after a few scientificy type tests, is determined to be like some sort of dark matter thing that is the source of all evil on Earth, despite being contained for thousands of years, with a few hundred of those being in this church that looks less like an old church and more like a bank that became a church, but I’m not gonna go into the poor choice of location, let’s just focus on who this film is for. It’s not for horror movie fans, per say. I’d liken this film to the Exorcist, which is a legendary horror film that I found utterly boring and at points, hilarious. But, if you’re part of the crowds of people who believe in the devil and at least some of the Bible, this film should leave you shaking in your booties.Xi0RNEJ

Part of the plot is a love story that is totally unconvincing, as you really get the impression that this dude just wants a quick lay, and doesn’t do anything to make us care for or even respect him. I mean, he’s got a mustache, ew. But you do feel the impact of one of the character’s sacrifice at the end of the film, which, I don’t wanna give too much away about, but it’s damn good. Another damn good and haunting aspect of the film is the idea of messages being projected back in time into the dreams of people who are sleeping in a certain location. In this case, a warning about the end of the world and the coming of the antichrist, coming from the year 1999. Hrmmm, maybe Marilyn Manson was the antichrist? Go figure.

“I have a mustache?”

OK, I hear you all screaming, “Who cares about the film, tell me if it would make a great pinball machine!!!” To which I must say, that this is probably the most un-adaptable into a pinball machine film that John Carpenter ever made. That said, I wouldn’t mind turning a Family Guy pinball machine into a Prince Of Darkness pinball. Look it up and see if you can tell why (hint, the Pawtucket beer can could very well be the evil barber’s pole, which they call an ‘orb’ in the film despite it not being an orb). Also, the Family Guy art is boring, and it would look much better with a bunch of 80s-ish looking stuff and a horror theme, I mean, duhhh.