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House of the Dead

Cosmic FredBetter Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

Hey, Remember the Eighties? Well, probably more than you remember Jim Breuer’s career (R.I.P.) but maybe also not at all, in which case do not fear, because me and today’s film in focus The House of the Devil (2009) are here to tell it like it is, or was, and shall be again? Haha, none of that now, I already made that joke in a previous review, and I don’t wanna start reusing old jokes here, because I don’t believe anyone should be recycling, unless you want the commies to win!!!

This Review Is Based On A Real Movie.

Follow me back to a time with bubble letters, and where yellow and orange are just lighter shades of brown. Where fashions of the 70s were still en vogue and horror movies could be just one girl and one house full of creepy things that kill you. If you’re like me, the early eighties are glamorized by their sensational pinball machines, video games, and goth music, and fashion faux pas, not to mention the full-on slasher genre blooming into irresistible and tasteless levels of imagination to produce new and more horrible images. This era also brought us sequels to late seventies classics like The Amityville Horror and Halloween, which The House of the Devil, while not in any way parodying or copying them, pays homage to them in a style that was pretty inherent of all horror films at the time. While definitely resembling films like When A Stranger Calls and others from the late seventies, the film has more of  the early eighties horror boom cheapness that gives you a campy delight.

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Tom Noonan is one of my favorite actors. Yes, he plays the same psychotic, murderous, child-touching freak in Manhunter, RoboCop 2, The Last Action Hero, that X-Files episode and that Louie episode, but he’s also a lovable Frankenstein in Monster Squad, and the weird counterpart of Philip Seymour Hoffman in Synecdoche, New York. Anyways, I love this tall character actor in the same way that so many of us loved William H. Macy for so long. This movie is no different from Tom’s other outings as a creepy guy every girl has the instinct to spray mace at, and he’s does his role perfectly in a character he’s been cooking for decades. You don’t need flash cuts or loud noises to scare your audience when Tom can make you feel like you’re 6 years old again, and no army of teddy bears is going to save you from his cold clammy stare of death. Lots of horror movies, or just movies in general, have a part or scene or idea that really sold the whole thing, and sparks the debate in your head between the two trolls living in your ears (past review reference, c’mon, keep up sheeple!) and for this movie it’s the great sleepover question, if someone who hires you to babysit then reveals that they don’t have a child and instead wants you to stay in their house in case their mother upstairs needs anything and will pay you 400 dollars, do you do it? Or are they going to try and use you for some satanic ritual like your local church pastor told you people are doing? The choices are yours, and yours alone! You won one pendant at the temple gates, who’s going first?the-house-of-the-devil-image-2

“I am!”

Very well Miriam, when Kirk gives the signal you’ll race through the gates, into the temple, and make your way towards The Secret Map. Hidden inside the temple are temples guards assigned to protect three specific rooms. You can trade you pendant for an extra life and go on, BUT, if you’re caught without a pendant, you will be taken out of the temple, and it will be Zacherie’s turn to enter and try his luck. If you can reach the map, all the doors of the temple will instantly unlock and the temple guards will vanish. Return throughout the gates with The Secret Map of The Bandit Queen within three minutes and you will be handsomely rewarded, and here’s how!!!

Woah. uhhhhhhhhgggg, I don’t know what just happened. It felt like I was possessed by some ancient demon named Olmec, and there were all these legends about temples that were hidden. That is, the temples were hidden, not the legends, which are just kinda not written or anything, I guess, I don’t know. It all seems to be fading now. Ok, so House of the Devil isn’t a hidden temple but it does have some spooky shit that’ll probably make a few kids pee themselves. Like all great slasher films of the early eighties and late seventies, the protagonist of this film is a girl and gets to act like she came out of a closed roller disco turned bar only with a Xenon pinball machine moaning in the background. For some, maybe it’s easier to empathize with a girl lead, but for many angst ridden male teens of the genre’s fan base, it’s seeing the perfect blonde girl who never talks to them getting her punishment for not going on a date with them. It’s always a little bit of both, from both sexes, a little bit of jealousy mixed with fear and we get to feel like normal people while watching people fake getting murdered.

But don’t worry folks, the film never shoots itself in the head, or if it does, it survives. Though when it ends, some might hope for an omen for a sequel. But for anyone who knows The Fly II, knows that would probably be inadvisable. And no I don’t mean Return of the Fly, not that I’d be hurting it’s reputation by comparison (ooooooh, snap attack!).

Well folks, until next time, remember, when drinking blood from a skull, always put trash bags down first. Goodnite.

Photos from Beyond

This day in History and a Little-known fact about Mr. Lobo:

 

For a two months in the late eighties Mr. Lobo made a living by conducting séances throughout Northern California. It is speculated that the spirits of the dead communicated with the living. However, Mr. Lobo‘s activities attracted the attention of the authorities and on November 16, 1988, a séance was interrupted by a police raid during which he and eleven members of his audience were arrested.

382322_10200756809307735_289041573_n It has often been suggested that the reason for Mr. Lobo‘s brief imprisonment was the authorities’ fear that December’s Billboard Hot 100 number-one single, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by the American glam metal group, Poison, might be revealed too soon, and given the earlier revelation about “Red Red Wine” by UB40, it is clear to see why the medium might be considered a potential risk. Nonetheless, Colonel Chapman, wrote to the Secretary of State branding the charge ‘overwhelmingly silly’.

Ectoplasm News Print

Event Horizon

Cosmic FredBetter Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

Doom_cover_artI love me some DOOM.As in, the 1993 video game that in 1995, was installed onto more computers than Windows 95 itself.
Now, Event Horizon from 1997, starring Morpheus and the main dude from Jurassic Park, is absolutely nothing like the legendary video game DOOM,

 

 

BUT…event-horizon

 

 

 

Event Horizon takes place near Pluto, back in the future when it was still a planet (get it?) and is the story of what happens when humans screw with portals and contact Hell. That’s where DOOM comes in, cause that’s what DOOM is all about. In fact, Event Horizon is more a DOOM movie than the actual DOOM movie was for that exact reason, what with the DOOM movie having a portal but not using it to connect to another dimension like DOOM the video game did. Wow, I’m saying DOOM a lot, maybe I should sing the DOOM song now? Nah, I’ll save that for another day.

 

So in this film, we have not only Laurence (Apocalypse Now and Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors) Fishburne and Sam (Hunt For Red October) Neill, but also Sean Pertwee, who, if you’re a Classic Doctor Who fan, will look very familiar, or at least his eyes and pointy nose do.

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He is the son of the third doctor Jon Pertwee, and he is the only other interesting person in this film, and that’s only because of his father. I should mention, there is another actor in this film who, while having a slightly more shaved head, still throws me off throughout the movie because he acts and talks just like Sean. Maybe I’m crazy, but that shit threw me off, and like, whoever was doing casting would have not wanted that.Ok, I’m stalling. This film isn’t actually that good, in fact, it’s full of clichés and terrible characters and lots of groaning moments. Like when the characters are acting like they know they’re in a horror movie, and jump in their skin and then frightenedly asking “wh- who’s there!?” WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK IS THERE!? YOU’RE ON A GOD DAMNED SPACE SHIP WITH ONLY 4 OTHER PEOPLE!!!! And you’re a scientist!!!! You would use logical thinking to deduce that it’s one of 4 other people and then just ignore it because it was nothing, because you’re in fucking space, with lots of gadgets and stuff in the walls that are surely making some sort of noise that you’ve learned to ignore!

 

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The film is set with the same “2001: a space Odyssey rip-off but mixed with a modern horror feel” idea as Alien, only instead of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre in space” they went for a “Hellraiser in space” feel. Sooo, that’s basically taking the very beginning and end of Hellraiser 4 and making a whole movie out of it. Ahh, Hellraiser 4, which I actually kind of like for it’s explanation of the Lament Cube and for the jumping timeline and not just waiting til the end for Pinhead. But that’s another review for another time. Now I need to wrap up this review in a way that makes it feel like it wasn’t written over a four week period while I was vacationing in Bermuda. Uuuummmm, I know I didn’t really talk about what happens in the movie, but I prefer discussing the nuances rather than giving you a step by step ruining of the movie’s plot. Maybe I should just tell you why you should bother to watch this movie when it has some pretty obvious flaws. Well, there’s blood. Blood is cool, right?
event horizon 3
Blood. Please enjoy responsibly.

 

Night Of The Creeps

Cosmic FredBetter Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

When Zombies conquer the earth, will it be from a virus or a voodoo curse? Hell, maybe it turns out we all shoulda been eating kosher. So what about that other idea you had, the one about it being from alien slugs from space, that are slugs? Yeah, I know i know, you’ve seen them in every blockbuster movie, from The People vs. Larry Flynt to Man on the Moon and then, umm, well whatever else Courtney Love was in. But if you ask me, and you haven’t, but this little gremlin sleeping in my ears has, I think Night Of The Creeps best represents this genre at it’s full potential.

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So beyond its zombie alien slug exterior, beats the heart of a film made with post-­modern (I sound cool when I use that word) elements, revisiting classic horror staples in a tongue-in-cheek, “let’s have fun” kinda way that was becoming prevalent in the eightites horror genre. It starts with an homage to the black and white early slasher films involving premarital lovers out for a night smooch. I’ll let you decide what you think happens to them.

Flash forward to 1986, or, the present, as it was and shall be again (seriously, look at the kids these days and the things they wear. oy vey!) you’ve got a dork, and a Robert Downey Jr in Back to School type dork, but with crutches. For some more little homagey fun, make sure to listen to everyone’s names, especially the last names – there are some nods to the likes of George A. Romero, David Cronenberg, James Cameron, John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, John Landis, Sand Raimi, and Steve Miner (guy directed the first three Jason movies). Check out that list, it’s almost too much, but then Dick Miller shows up, and everybody inside my head cheers!

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You’ve also got a fraternity jock named Brad with (dyed) blonde hair and a “Darsh!” kinda attitude.

But the real star of this whole movie is the hard­boiled cop, played by 80’s mainstay cop actor Tom Atkins. Yeah, he’s in The Fog and Escape From New York for Carpenter, then in Creepshow, again with Adrian Barbeau, but now directed by George Romero. The the love­-it-­or-hate­-it Halloween III, and after Creeps, did Lethal Weapon and, one of my favorite bad movies of all time, Maniac Cop. I love this guy. I could watch him forever. He shines in this movie, like a sun crashing into another sun at like, 100 kazillion miles per hour, and they’re both covered in sparklers. He’s so entertaining. Please, if you’re watching this and finding the 80’s kids to irk you, just wait til Tom, he ain’t gonna let you down.

And this film finally answers that age old question that I know many of us have held in our hearts for many years. That is, can a nerd look cool in a tux with a flame thrower strapped to his back?

No. He can’t.

Though honestly, I’m not sure i agree with that verdict.

Happy Halloween Horror-Heads!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Today is the day! If you’re like me, it’s the one day out of the year where no one looks at you funny! If you’re close to a city this weekend, consider supporting a local theater who are showing Horror films — even if the films are crap! Support the genre!

halloween_1_poster_01 halloween_1_poster_03 halloween_1_poster_05 halloween_1_poster_10 halloween_2_poster_01 halloween_2_poster_02  halloween_3_poster_01 halloween_3_poster_02 kung_fu_halloween_poster_01 ESSxxKAx1h trick_or_treat_poster_01 trick_or_treat_poster_02 trick_or_treats_poster_01 yBKEbahxFDOML9rOh5LR2iQYYSzMr. Lobo and I are going to visit Ma and Pop Dellamorto in Happy Hollow U.S.A. tonight and hand out candy! Happy Hollow U.S.A. is a quiet community set in the twisted woods of Happy Valley. Home of their world famous 13 month long Halloween Festival! Post Card 2

If you can’t make it to Happy Hollow U.S.A. today Dress up, go to a party or stay in and give out candy! Today is our holiday and we hope everyone is enjoying it to the fullest!

31 Days of Halloween Music Mix Volume 31!!!!!

The Epic Story so Far:

Happy Halloween!

31

Alright spooky music fans, it is HALLOWEEN! That marks day 31 of Devin Cönnörs and Myles Arden 31 days of Halloween music project!  Today is Halloween, so it’s the thirty-first day of mixes  — Tonight’s The Night II. At this point you’ve got enough music to fuel your entire Halloween party! You know the drill: to download the mix CLICK HERE and Follow their Tumblr Halloween inspired content all year long!

It’s almost time, kids! 31 Days of Halloween Music Mix Volume 30!

30Day 30 of Devin Cönnörs and Myles Arden 31 days of Halloween music project!  Today is the thirtieth of October, so it’s the thirtieth day of mixes  — Paranoia Phobia. To download the mix CLICK HERE and Follow their Tumblr for future mixes and Halloween inspired content! Also check out their new Facebook page!

31 Days of Halloween Music Mix Volume 29

29Day 29 of Devin Cönnörs and Myles Arden 31 days of Halloween music project!  Today is the twenty-ninth of October, so it’s the twenty-ninth day of mixes  — Revenge of the Killer Kovers. To download the mix CLICK HERE and Follow their Tumblr for future mixes and Halloween inspired content

Also check out their new Facebook page!

Trick or Treat

Cosmic FredBetter Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)

HO-LY COW!!! Folks, we’re in Halloween Week right now, and while we all get to feel like a broken clock at 6:30 (a REALLY broken clock), here’s an extra spooky review of the 1986 Trick Or Treat heavy-metal-themed horror movie, with cameos from both OZZY and Gene Simmons(that together, don’t total more than 5 minutes, but it was enough to inspire a 2002 DVD cover photos)! Horrible re-release covers aside, this film earns the tag “horrible” on its own. Or maybe we can just call it misunderstood.

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Trick Or Treat is the kind of movie made with a teenage mentality, similar to Corey Haim in License To Drive, where, “hey, isn’t it really cool how stupid and antagonizing I am? It’s the eighties and us teenagers live in the future, while our parents are so lame!” You know, the Pepsi Generation. It’s one of those movies like the Brad Pitt early venture Cutting Class, where they just took a common phrase and made a movie around it, plus a bunch of entitlement issues they mistaking labeled as “teen angst.”

Anyways, this Columbine wannabe, Eddie Weinbauer, has unrealistically abrasive bullies busting his chops. It seems like some sort of rational decision to report their obvious infringements on school policies, but instead he takes the humiliation like some masochist and goes home to cry and listen to his recently deceased favorite hair metal rock star Sammi Curr. Just moments after finishing a letter to Sammi, in which he writes his aching heart out, Eddie finds out Sammi had died in a fire. So Eddie gets the acetate disc (music buffs, you can rejoice knowing that your awareness of what an acetate disc is has finally paid off, but despair over the fact that I’m just going to explain it anyways, since nobody knows what the hell it is), which is the first single pressing of a record before it’s mass produced, made to just check it’s all good and ready to go, of Sammi Curr’s last unreleased album, “Songs in the Key Of Death” (Stevie would roll around in his grave if he were dead).

A radio DJ named Nuke (cue 2 minute Gene Simmons cameo) just happens to give this priceless object to some kid who hangs around the local rock station occasionally, instead of having a life. So then Eddie goes home, and like any good 80s teenage moron, decides to play the record backwards. Now, we all know that when you do this, it invokes the dark beast to return to our realm and wreak havoc on the sinners above, HOWEVER this film suggests that instead, Sammi Curr is resurrected though this heinous act, and is now going to use his power to do a few things: 1) He’s going to help this kid with his bully problem by almost murdering a bully in front of Eddie, 2) He’s going to crash a high school dance and be the front man for the crappy band that’s playing, and 3) He’s going to kill everyone, starting with the students at this random high school, and that kid he was helping before.

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But it’s only when you play the record backwards that Sammi can come out to kill you. And the record is destroyed, and now so is the tape that this idiot made of the record playing backwards. But, OH WAIT, Didn’t Nuke say he was going to play the record at midnight on Halloween? We’ve gotta stop him! Those of you paying attention are going “but, it doesn’t matter, it has to be played backwards,” but Nuke just has a taped recording of his broadcast (guess Gene didn’t wanna do another scene) AND he just happened to decide to play the record backwards, YA KNOW, FOR WHATEVER REASON!!! Also, Ozzy pops up as a minister decrying the evils of Heavy Metal music in what turns out to be the best minute of the whole movie. And yeah, you can’t understand a bleeping thing he says.

So what, did I give in and finally review a bad movie, or am I just having a bad day? Naw, the film has its moments, like when the one house has a mirror over the fireplace, and a brown chair, with a desk with a built-in lamp next to it that was pretty much exactly like my grandparent’s house. There’s also a funny joke about a toilet. BUT THAT’S IT. Watch at your own risk.

 

31 Days of Halloween Music Mix Volume 28

28Day 28 of Devin Cönnörs and Myles Arden 31 days of Halloween music project!  Today is the twenty-eighth of October, so it’s the twenty-eighth day of mixes  — Horrorbilly Encore. To download the mix CLICK HERE and Follow their Tumblr for future mixes and Halloween inspired content! Also check out their new Facebook page!