Better Viewing Through Cosmic Cognizance By Fred E. Frederick
(a.k.a. Cosmic Charlie)
Oh, hey folks, Fred here. So, uh, have you ever been abducted by aliens and thought it was really cool until they started putting cellophane on the toilet and fake spiders in your shoes? And then you’re like “ok guys, it was funny at first, but I really thought higher life forms such as yourselves would be beyond this” and then they’re all like “we’re just trying to entertain you, bro, ok? It’s not easy knowing exactly how much we should dumb down for you!” and it became this whole big deal, and so then, this great year long vacation you’ve been on with these totally chill aliens comes to an end because they apparently forgot they’ve gotta help their friend with this thing. Dudes, it was so weak. But whatever, I’m here, it’s earth, it’s 2016, and I just wanna put the past behind me. Ok, so which movie am I reviewing? Oh right… *sigh* Alien.No no no, I’m not bad mouthing one of the greatest horror movies of all time, but let me tell you something, they got a few things wrong. Nonetheless, I’m here to talk to you about an extraterrestrial and its heartwarming relationship to the humans who discover it. Or, rather, less heartwarming, more heart wrenching, and then heart bursting. Yes, Alien, the film ‘bout a creature that physically resembles an insect, and emotionally resembles a cat. Made in the late 70s boom of sci-fi done right and with respect, this movie is good on practically every level. The acting, the writing, and most of all the art direction. This film also was, for most people, an introduction to visual artist and hero to goths everywhere, H.R. Giger.
When coming up with the design for their titular alien, Dan O’Bannon, screenwriter extraordinaire, introduced director Ridley Scott to the works of H.R. Giger, who Dan had become aware of while working on Alejandro Jodorowsky’s attempt at making a Dune movie, which ultimately fell through. As soon as Scott saw Giger’s work, he immediately knew what the Alien of his film would look like, as well as solving the other design problems of the film. Instead of working from scratch, they had Giger design the alien
You see what you want to see
to almost exactly resemble one of his already existing paintings, despite the phallic-ness, as well making new art for designing all the visual aspects of the creature’s life cycle and the alien ship itself. It’s Giger’s designs that help define the film and make it stand out among other sci-fi films of it’s time.
Dan O’Bannon also hit a goldmine when he solved the script problem of getting their creature onto the Nostromo spaceship. The facehugger is as beloved a character as the fully formed alien that bursts out of our chests after gestation, after being laid there by said facehugger. From plush toys to freaky fetishes, that little guy has inspired lots of love and fear. But that’s enough of me gushing over the creative genius involved in this film, cause that’s boring. You don’t need me giving your little factoids
better left to the Bonus features, you need me telling you how much they changed the facts. That’s right folks, believe it or not, the whole movie is based on a completely true story, and it didn’t happen quite like the way you know it.
Imagine you have your house invaded by a bunch of aliens, who proceed to go into your nursery and disturb your sleeping children? Right? Now let’s say your child, OUT OF SELF DEFENSE, latches themselves onto one of those intruders’ faces? How are you going to blame the person whose house you are in for their children’s defensive actions against some invasive threats such as the elephant man just showing up, without make up, in some nonsensical inward light pointing space helmet? Not to mention Bilbo Baggins, Viper, The Repo Man, and two women with more alien problems between them than Donald Trump has made up in his head. Humans are ridiculous, as is the notion that Fred is dead and I’m an alien host living in his skin, so don’t even go there! Fact is, those humans got what they deserved, and I was cheering for that Xenomorph the whole time. How are you going to root for the majority, when the obviously oppressed “Alien” (so racist) is obviously the one with the disadvantage here. And then to insinuate that some sack of mostly water is gonna defeat my brother while she’s in her gross cotton human undergarmets? The only good part of this film was the cat, which the alien let live out of professional courtesy. I take back everything good I said about the human Dan O’bannon, for obviously he is a hack trying to cash in on the Xenophobia that has plagued my people, and when I say my people, I mean it in a cultural sense. I am not an alien, but I encourage you and your family to tune into OSI 74 nightly, so that we may better track your positions and monitor your brain waves. I mean, if we were into that sort of thing.
Also, ever wonder what a pinball machine with a cool alien on it would look like? Yeah, you don’t have to. *scoff* Space Invaders? What does that even mean? It’s not like we’re invading space. I mean, they are. I mean, I don’t know who they are, I swear.