Dear Hemlock Grove,
I put you off for as long as I could. That sideways glance you always gave me when I was clicking through my instant Queue, I would play coy and settle for something else…. but I… I just couldn’t ignore you anymore, something about you eventually seemed irresistible. Eli Roth making a original series about werewolves, how could that go wrong? Well, to be honest, you left me feeling like I wasted roughly 13 hours of my life. You broke my heart. How could you do it? How did you do it? Other then to say you were just mildly interesting enough to seduce me into watching all 13 episodes of the first season, I wish I had more nice things to say about you. I generally don’t like when people are so negative about everything, especially Horror stuff.
Eli Roth… His name keeps me coming back, but like an abusive boyfriend, I always leave feeling battered and mildly annoyed. At first glance my gut feeling was that Mr. Roth overheard some girls talking about twilight at a mall and made a TV Show about it. Then I found out you were also based on a book. That makes me sad for the writers. There were scenes in the first season that I honestly made me feel embarrassed for the actors. I think every person on the show says the word “Balls” at least once. At times I felt like I was watching someone’s fanfic, and it was pretty predictable. I guessed the outcome of the entire show by the 3rd episode. The sexual tension between the the main male characters was tedious and left me yelling “make-out already” at the TV. The last episode climaxes within the first 5 minutes… Then you have the audacity to try rake and rake me over the coals emotionally for the next 50 minutes? Well you failed because I hardly liked anyone in the show and the characters I did like were minor and didn’t get a lot of screen time. Also, Screw you for killing the cat. Seriously.
I understand that you were made as a Netflix exclusive, and you’re probably better than you have any right to be. I also understand that I’m probably 10 years too old for you — and that it probably the hardest thing for me to accept… Maybe I’m just bitter because I wish someone would give Don Coscarelli a butt-load of money to make an epic episodic adaption of David Wong’s books, of ‘John Dies at the End’ and ‘This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t touch it’.
I have to admit, the werewolf transformation was pretty rad and the glowing mutant girl was also kind of neat. I also feel like you really gave me an excuse to skip Twilight and the new Teen Wolf, so thanks for that.
P.S. Can’t wait for season 2 to start rolling out.