While we were setting up at a convention recently I noticed a rather large decal on the back of another vender’s truck that read “LOST BOYS DON’T SPARKLE”… Which perplexed me because I was pretty sure no one even cared about Twilight anymore… Then I saw another couple of memes posted on social media and learned that, apparently, it’s still an issue…
So, in an effort to educate the pop-culture ignorant, I present you you and article I wrote:
(Two years ago… when it was still relevant)
I want to start out by saying The Lost Boys is one of my favorite movies.
But lets take a minute to think about this film in depth.
Michael Emerson (yeah, the guy from Solarbabies) and his younger brother, Sam (The late Teen-Idol, Corey Haim), move with their recently divorced mother, Lucy, to a beach community in California. Sam decorates his room like a 12 year old girl complete with a sexy poster of Rob Lowe. The brothers begin hanging out on the Boardwalk, which is inhabited by punks and mysterious smooth young boys with Aqua Net encrusted hair and excessively long eyelashes — Not to mention the concerts featuring oiled down muscle men with silky hair playing saxophones like rugged manly men. We’re introduced to David (The super dreamy Kiefer Sutherland). David is the almost angelic and statuesque leader of a local gang. Meanwhile, Sam buddies up brothers Edgar and Alan Frog, a pair of self-proclaimed vampire hunters, who give him horror comics to teach him about young romance… er I mean vampires.
Michael is approached by David, who uses his bedroom eyes to convince him to follow them by motorcycle down the beach until they reach a dangerous cliff. At the gang’s cushy clubhouse David initiates Michael into the group, having him drink from a bottle of wine. The next day, Michael develops a thirst for blood and Mascara.
This initiates some zany vampire slaying antics including steaking Ted from “Bill and Ted” who explodes with glistening glittery blood. Everyone leaves the clubhouse covered in glitter. Sparkly blood. Once more, when the vampires die, they bleed glitter. Um…. need I go on?
I’ve never seen Twilight but attacking it using The Lost Boys is about as effective as using, say, the 80’s boy band New Kids on the Block to attack the newest flavor of the month One Direction… IT’S THE SAME THING.In our case it’s a bunch of sexy, effeminate, romantic vampires being marketed at teenaged girls while ignoring traditional vampire tropes and creating new ones. If you’re not interested in a romantic vampire movie made for young women, don’t watch Twilight, but you’re no better for watching The Lost Boys.
In most cases we’re dealing with is people not so much arguing about quality of movies but jumping on a bandwagon and having these imaginary arguments about apples and oranges, and in this case it’s apples and slightly older apples.
What we all must try and remember that it’s just as pretentious to hate something because it’s popular as it is to like it because it’s popular. Goodnight Ladies and Gentlemen and even gentler men… er… vampires?
Can we just agree that there is more studly vampirism in Bill Paxton’s diastema than there is in all of these boy’s fangs put together? Because, if you’re looking for the ultimate violent and macho vampire flick that you can watch on date night, you need look no further than NEAR DARK.
Since I am a glutton for punishment, I put together a small gallery of some other memes I found after a 2 minute google search. You’re welcome.